So, he didn't get me a card.

Not even a single flower.

I have no friends to lean on.
I need someone who can be there for me.

Nobody has said anything to me about what they know is going on.
About what today is.

I have no support.
Nobody to discuss my feelings with.

Nobody who understands.

Nobody who's been through the same thing.

I just have baby clothes on hangers, a few stuffed animals sitting on a box, and a bouncer sitting in a box.

All these things that probably would have been in use by now. Unless I would have delivered after my estimated due date.

But I am here now.
September the 26th, 2009. & the baby has been gone for about 7 months.

We don't know if we got the jobs at the TV station yet, so we can't really afford to commemorate this day.

We did get breakfast from Bigfoot Bagels today. Garlic bagels. Te other half got lychee bubble tea and I got a Mocha Blast from Baskin & Robbins.
The cup says "Every Day Is A Happy Day!"
They can eat my ass.

We couldn't afford to go somewhere nice for dinner, so we got pepperoni pizza. It seems like a good fit because the only decent food experience I had while pregnant was with some pepperoni pizza that was like a day old. And cold. Right out of the fridge. I liked cold sandwiches to some extent, but HOLY SH!T. That pizza with some Coca-Cola with ice. NICE. Foodgasm. First time I'd really experienced that.

I think I need to cut this short and go be social with my husband. My emotions are really fluctuating and he just turned on some way emo music. Probably the very saddest Joy Division song. "Atmosphere"

It's pretty appropriate.
Here are the lyrics:
Walk in silence,
Don't walk away, in silence.
See the danger,
Always danger,
Endless talking,
Life rebuilding,
Don't walk away.
Walk in silence,
Don't turn away, in silence.
Your confusion,
My illusion,
Worn like a mask of self-hate,
Confronts and then dies.
Don't walk away.
People like you find it easy,
Naked to see,
Walking on air.
Hunting by the rivers,
Through the streets,
Every corner abandoned too soon,
Set down with due care.
Don't walk away in silence,
Don't walk away.

I Need A Distraction

I'm obviously not getting any better if I have to really try and be okay. I try so hard everyday and then I have days like today where it all comes crashing down.

It's another time when all the bad things that can happen are happening at once and I don't know what can be done. I feel alone in this.

My mouth can try and fool my ears and mind by telling them everything is alright, that I am doing well. That I'm getting over it. Then there is the truth. The truth that my ears hear and my mind screams. The truth spoken by my heart.

It's not okay.
I'm not alright.
I am not doing well.

I am so sad I feel as if I could break; shatter into pieces. I hate the feeling I get when I crumble. When I am overcome after weeks of not acknowledging my true feelings. It feels like my body, piece by piece, falls away. It just crumbles; there's no better way to phrase it.

It seems that nobody believes I should feel this way. I am treated as if I am stupid are behaving immaturely. Everyone just makes it all worse.

Honestly, there are a few days here and there when I don't think about how far along I would be, how much closer I would be to the end of September.

It's still so hard knowing that as of almost 2 months ago I would have known the gender and would have been able to put a name to the little one I loved so, so much.

I am so sorry you are gone. It was all my fault.
I loved you so much. I still do.

Love,
me

Urban Flooding.

It never happened.

I thought about that while leaving the neighborhood this morning on our way to see Doubt.
Such a let down; it sounded so cool.

Once again today after a miserable 24+ hours headache, coffee has saved my life and Tylenol has let me down.

I got my camera a little before the New Year. Probably not even an hour before. We love it. Bran's gift is yet to arrive and will be better than any. Will put everything from me to him to shame. Bummer but that is what happens when you're barely staying afloat the line above white trash. Economically, anyway.
So hopefully his gift will arrive soon since it says the 2nd on UPS' site.

I need to provide a little update of a goal of mine. I decided to try and see all of the Academy Award nominated films of 2009 before the nominations are even announced. I have about 3 weeks. I've been working on this since a few days before Christmas. So I guess it's been about 2 weeks now.

I am also refusing to read reviews for any and all films until I have seen them in their entirety.

Of course I am unable to guess the lucky nominees for Best Foreign Film, Best Documentary, Best Documentary Short Subject, Best Animated Short, and Best Live Action Short. Sooo
I am having to guess EVERYTHING aside from using the Golden Globe and SAG nominations lists as starting points.

Here is what I have seen so far in order from where I began a couple short weeks ago:
1. Frost/Nixon
2. Vicky Cristina Barcelona
3. Burn After Reading
4. Mamma Mia!
5. Happy-Go-Lucky
6. The Visitor
7. Milk
8. Gran Torino
9. Tropic Thunder
10. Pineapple Express
11. Revolutionary Road
12. Changeling
13. The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button
14. Slumdog Millionaire
15. Frozen River
16. Iron Man
17. Wendy And Lucy
18. Doubt


Here is what I have left to watch that is nominated for either the Golden Globes or for the SAG awards:
1. The Wrestler
2. The Reader
3. Rachel Getting Married
4. I've Loved You So Long (Il y a longtemps que je t'aime)
5. Last Chance Harvey
6. The Duchess
7. Bolt
8. Kung Fu Panda
9. Cadillac Records
10. Defiance
11. Der Baader Meinhof Komplex
12. Maria Larsson's Everlasting Moments (Maria Larsson's eviga ogonblick)
13. Gomorrah (Gomorra)
14. Waltz With Bashir

And here are the ones that I am guessing will be wild cards or up for technical awards, etc.:
1. Quantum Of Solace
2. Horton Hears A Who!
3. Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull
4. Hancock
5. W.
6. The Day The Earth Stood Still
7. Speed Racer
8. Valkyrie
9. Seven Pounds
10. Australia
11. The Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian

So that's that.

Hopefully reviews will be coming soon. I'll probably start a new block for that. I'll do my own predictions before January 22nd, too!! And I'll post my Golden Globes and SAG predictions/opinions.


Happy New Year to everyone and love to all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2 weeks for today until our anniversary; YAY :) <3<3 !!
<3, me